A cop stops his police car when he sees a couple sitting on the curb. The chap is laying on his side with his trousers pulled down, the girl has her finger in his asshole, and she's reaming away with a vengeance.

The cop says, "What the hell is going on here?"

The girl says, "This is my date. When I told him I wouldn't spend the night with him, he started pounding down the booze. Now, he's too drunk to drive me home, so I'm trying to sober him up by making him puke."

The cop says, "That's not gonna make him puke."

She says, "Yeah? Wait till I switch this finger to his mouth."

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."

France's main condom factory burns down. Knowing they only have a weeks supply left and that their economy cannot support all the unwanted pregnancies, the French decide to order 1 million condoms from  Canada. Not wanting to perpetuate the rumor that all Frenchman have small dicks, they decided to order condoms that were 10" long and 8' around. The French patted themselves on the back for being so sly and waited for their condoms. A week later the ship full of condoms arrives in a French port. The committee that ordered the condoms eagerly opened the shipment. It was then they noticed that every condom had printed on it: Made in the CANADA, Size: MEDIUM   This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?" Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa. The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?" Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?" The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?" And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?" Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer. When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today." He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?" "Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them." "Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?" She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"   At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item. "I want one that's more sheer," says he. "This one is $350." "Sheerer than that." "This is the sheerest we have. It's $500." "I'll take it!" he replies. The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me." She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference." So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks. He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."